Sleeping with the enemy?

I don't know if its just me, but liking the person I love seems like a full time job, without the added bonus of paid overtime or staff perks. I have uttered the awful words 'I love you, but I really don't like you right now', If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm quite sure that line would be followed by a sharp burst of tears and a sulking session only placated by copious amounts of chocolate and a few hundred Whatsapp messages to my girlfriends.

I don't have the added pressure of children, a wedding ring or a mortgage but I do love him and I have mentally and emotionally picked T (get used to that, he'll be featuring a lot!) I say that like I had a choice but if I'm completely honest the choice wasn't mine. It was more a case of the stars aligning and The Light Bulb Moment - that saying is usually reserved for a brilliant idea but I'm guessing I would struggle to find anyone - of sane mind - to ever compare a relationship to a brilliant idea. The whole idea of picking a partner is strange in itself. Is it a business decision? Good prospects? Good genes? Or a more trivial case of 'I like this one, I think I'll keep it'. When it came to T it was definitely the latter.

My first observation of T was how beautiful his teeth were. My running joke, as lame as it was, was to add a little flirtation and tell him how good his teeth were looking that night. From there the bulb began to glow brighter and T's gravity just pulled me in. Its been that way ever since. 4 years, 8 months and 5 days and the magnetism is still there. He is my best friend, my worse critic, my partner in crime and my soul mate. As much as he pisses me off and how ever much I dislike him at times, he is home to me. The home full of love, comforts, belly laughs, discussions of bowel movements and a tub of double chocolate brownies. Now don't get me confused, I have the sneaking suspicion that T mimics my dislike. I'm not sure whether it is the sniping about my untidy way of living, 'boring' conversations of work (I'm a girl, telling my boyfriend the ins and outs of my work day has to include what I had for lunch!) and general lack of maturity - peter pan is my spirit animal, I refuse to apologise for this one. Those things as well as a million others give me the slightest of indications that T feels exactly the same as I do. All that being said, is this a case of a fickle lover or is this normal?

Do we find our mate and over time discover all the things that are a constant irritation but with age and laziness we just skim over the cracks and plod on? I'm not sure what the answer is. I look at all the relationships that surround me and we all seem to have our bugs to bare but is it love or laziness that keeps us in a pair? Having spoken to a few of my nearest and dearest, it is the general consensus that liking our significant others has nothing at all to do with loving them. In fact, its pretty damn normal. I may be neurotic, but I always believed this was a feeling that wasn't felt by the masses, It was just me. I am happy to announce that I was wrong. That alone is a tough admission but so is the thought of the love/hate/kiss me/kick me relationships we find ourselves in. I love T for knowing what makes me tick. My care free attitude and my love of my family but this is also one of the things that make me dislike him the most. As much as he may see my good qualities, he definitely sees the bad. And sees through my bullshit. 

Maybe this is where a lot of the dislike stems from. It isn't them judging you or seeing all your mistakes. Its the mirror they hold to us. Seeing ourselves through someone else's eyes is a sobering experience and rather than accept our short comings we project this onto our loved ones. There is nowhere to hide when you give yourself fully to another person and the realisation that we aren't as perfect as we thought may just be the answer to my question. It's a horrible feeling to disappoint someone but maybe it's the disappointment we show ourselves which causes the conflict. Maybe all the negative feelings we have for our partner's is actually our conscience telling us to be better people. Be more kind, more patient, more 'present'. Sitting here I am running through all the things I do that upset T but instead or blaming him I am being rational and thoughtful and realising that if I didn't do these things there wouldn't be a reason to dislike him or the things he is saying to me. There's that mirror again. 

This may just be a gabble of my busy mind but thinking it through and seeing it in black and white helps. We need to stop chastising ourselves and our loved ones and realise that through it all we are just two people sharing love and life and its OK to get angry or sad or giddy. Home is where the heart is and my home is a mad house!

My final thoughts... Do we sleep with the enemy? Not tonight