Big girls do cry

I cry a lot. A sad film, a heartwarming advert, the thought of life without Trevor McDonald (inside joke, still a sad thought....) The list goes on. And on. And on. But one thing I never cry about is my size. Well not anymore anyway. I’m a big girl. I’ve always been a big girl. But over the years and after too many jabs and hurtful comments it’s become easier to brush aside the nasty things people say. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. I just hide my feelings better. I can’t speak for other people and I know there are some amazing advocates for plus size girls but sometime’s being the big girl sucks! And by sucks I mean it’s shit. Proper shit. Luckily for me, I have great friends and family and they don’t judge me the way I judge myself. People are quick to cast aspersions and make cruel comments but I don't think any slim person can fully appreciate how being big can affect every aspect of your life. Their ignorance puts this down to gluttony but this is so far from the truth for myself and millions of other people. Looking back now there are still key moments from my teenage years that have stuck with me. I imagine I felt hurt at the time but now it's just a memory of some words that someone once said, but thankfully it's not a feeling. If I carried around bad feelings I would be in a world of emotional pain and that's not how I chose to live my life. I want to look back and try and evaluate the parts of my life that have been affected by fat shaming... it's going to take a while...

In my school years, I felt a constant threat of being verbally abused. I was in no way bullied, there was no systematic abuse, but the names you get called in the playground and in the corridor hurt just so. Tree trunks was a particular favourite against my school 'mates'. I can still remember, as clear as day, one boy saying this in a French lesson. 'look at your legs, they're like tree trunks!'. Another occasion, when I had a sleepover with a friend and while I was lying on my side on the bed she pointed out the size of my derriere. 'how big is your arse?!'. I appreciate rhetoric now I'm older but my teenage self did not appreciate the observation. Most of my teen years were spent feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed for things that hadn't been done or said. Wearing a leotard in a PE class - ultimate embarrassment. standing up in class to read lines from a textbook. Walking across the playground with my school skirt tucked in my big girl pants (someone was kind enough to run over and tell me but not before half of the playground had witnessed my momentary flashing). Without sounding overdramatic, it's like waiting for impending doom. You know something bad is going to happen, or someone will say something horrific to humiliate you but there is nothing you can do. Don't get me wrong, some parts of school life I loved but I was always very aware that all my friends were a lot smaller than me and to be honest, I always felt that I wasn't 'worthy' of their friendship cause I didn't look the way they did. Like I'd accidentally fallen into their group and I'd be ejected at any moment. I'd like to say that those feelings have subsided but in all honesty, they continued through to my late twenties.

When it came to my work life I was just the standard girl - comparing myself to others. But life was made easier by the different shapes and sizes of my colleagues. Not much easier, none of the bigger girls were my age but I  took comfort in it none the less. At my worst, I would feel embarrassed working across the office. I would ask my best work friend to come with me to the kitchen just so I didn't have to do the walk alone. There's no greater crushing feeling than being insecure and feeling all eyes on you in a big open space. All eyes weren't on me of course but telling that to an insecure mind is fruitless. But as I've grown older I am more secure and more relaxed. I now work in a very male orientated environment. In my department, I am the only girl amongst over 40 men. I don't compare myself because I don't have to. I do however feel that if I was a slim blonde it would be a completely different kettle of fish. I'm not a distraction to these men, I'm not a point of interest for them. This, in turn, allows me to be their friend and colleague without the pressure for them to impress me or big themselves up. This isn't a bad thing at all, but it does make me wonder how they would act differently if I was a slim, leggy blonde. But as it stands, I am not and I love my job and where I work so sometimes being the big girl can be a good thing. Till it comes to social occasions. 

I have always been the fat friend. 95% of my girlfriends are slim and petite and then there's me. Being the fat friend isn't just about size. Its the way people view you. Now I know that I am by no means ugly (this may sound big headed but I'm big, not blind)  but when it comes to prospective hook-ups, they just saw through you. As the fat friend, you become the buffer, the wing woman, the full body shield against letchy horrible hands. Don't get me wrong, I have had a pretty decent love life but I have always known the people I have been involved with before taking it any further. I don't trust people for all the reasons above. I don't ever want to be the (big)butt of someone's joke and by building up friendships and letting them progress naturally it was the safest - on my heart - option when it came to potential suitors. When I met T I felt that I was punching and was so insecure in his reasoning for being with me. I did, and sometimes still do, imagine what people think about us being together. Why is he with her? He could do better. And that all comes down to my size. The sex and intimate side of things are great but it just took a little longer for me to be completely comfortable around him. And this has always been the case with friends and lovers. It took me a lot longer to relax and feel comfortable. It doesn't, however, stop the intrusive, damning thoughts I have when it comes to group photos. I always feel comfortable in what I wear cause I dress for my size but then someone pulls out a camera. The camera does more than add 10 lbs. It magnifies everything! Double chin; bingo wings; stomach rolls. Cameras are not my friends. Unless the photo is taken by me, in profile, at my best angle. Every girl knows that it's all about the angle!

Now I'm in my thirties I have a new found sense of ease with my body. Waking up and being thirty was a liberating experience. I still have my flaws. A lot in fact. But I now have the wisdom to accept them and move on. I don't dwell. I don't cry. I just go about my day. Naked if possible. There is nothing more I love than being in my happy - mental - place and being naked. It is so natural and freeing. And now I'm older I can do it without shame. I may not be a Victoria's Secret Angel but I am not going to apologise for my size anymore. Being naked is what I love. And what I love it being naked - its the best comfort. T would say that I'm far too comfortable. sleeping in the nude; walking around the house in the nude; cooking in the nude. And that's because I chose to let go of all my angst and inhibitions. Home is my happy place and T is my home. I don't have to hide under clothes or be shy or embarrassed. He knows what I look like beneath all the preening and pleasantries- no makeup; hair resembling Kate Bush; the smell of alcohol and a late-night kebab. And isn't this what life is about?

Being the fat friend has taken up far too much of my time over the years. Time I no longer want to waste. If I get to the point where I'm really unhappy with my size then I'll change it. Fat isn't forever. For some its just for Christmas. But the point is, there are always ways to make yourself feel better physically and emotionally. Do not let the haters or the bullies monopolise your happiness. We can change our size and shape. Unfortunately for them, being ugly - the metaphorical sense - is their way of life. Do not waste your life while they waste theirs. Trust your body and the words of friends and family. Everybody has their flaws and insecurities, don't let their misgivings become yours. If people are so short-sighted that they only see size when they look at you, well, personally, ignorance is bliss. And I chose to ignore. We are all fighting our own battles. Whether this be size, height, weight - they are all one of the same. It's semantics really. And no ones got time for that.

My final thoughts... Find someone who loves you just the way you are. Find friends who accept you and never make you feel less of a person because you don't fit the mold. Most importantly, love your self. Imperfections make life interesting. Cherish and celebrate your flaws. Take comfort in knowing that everyone is in the same boat. Don't drown in your insecurities. But most importantly for me... I'm going to carry on doing what I'm doing. Naked, naturally